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Family can feel lost or overwhelmed when they first notice signs of self-harm or hear a young person speak about hurting themselves. You’re not alone and there is hope. Young people can find other ways of coping that don’t cause pain or injury, and you can play an important role with your presence and support.
At headspace, we consider ‘family’ to mean anyone who plays a supportive role in a young person’s life, including biological, chosen, cultural and community family.
What is self-harm?
Self-harm is when a person hurts themselves on purpose, often in response to difficult emotions, thoughts, or situations. It can include things like cutting, burning, hitting themselves, or deliberately overdosing on medication, drugs or other harmful substances. It can be a way that some young people communicate unmet needs, and to describe it as ‘attention seeking’ can be unhelpful, and feel hurtful or dismissive.
For some young people, self-harm is a one-off event. For others, it can happen several times or become a repeated behaviour that can feel hard to change.
If a person is self-harming, it doesn’t always mean they’re thinking about suicide. That said, people who self-harm may have mixed feelings about their safety and are at an increased risk of suicide, so it’s important to make sure they get the support they need.
With the right help, people can learn different ways to cope and over time rely less on self-harm as a strategy.
Why do people self-harm?
There are lots of reasons people self-harm. For many, it is a way to cope with emotional pain, numbness or overwhelming distress. It can be a way of trying to stay in control when things feel out of control. Sometimes traumatic experiences or mental health challenges can make it more likely that someone might turn to self-harm. Guilt and shame can be contributors to young people hiding their self-harm from others. Everyone’s story is different, so it’s important not to make assumptions.
In the short term, self- harm can lead to a feeling of relief, while also carrying with it some risks, possible long-term impacts such as scarring, and, once started, it can be hard to stop.
Discrimination in the wider community can also contribute to some young people self-harming, and at the same time make them less likely to reach out for help. Some young people might be less likely to ask for help because of shame, fear of being ‘outed’ and past negative experiences of services.
Stigma around self-harm and the importance of maintaining family reputation in some communities might discourage young people from seeking support. While cultural and religious practices can play an important role in supporting the mental health and wellbeing of some young people, they might be less likely to ask for help if self-harm is considered a sin within their religion.
Sometimes a young person might choose to self-harm in ways that have less serious consequences than other alternatives, such as pinching instead of cutting, or cutting instead of using drugs. The means or severity of self-harm can vary over time.
While making sense of self-harm can feel challenging, you don’t have to have all the answers - being present, listening without judgment, and showing you care can make a real difference to the young person as they find safer ways to manage.
“I often felt pressure to give family an answer "why", but this can be difficult and is often something you need to work out with a professional” – young person
What are the signs of self-harm?
Self-harm isn’t always easy to recognise. Often people who self-harm will attempt to hide their injuries out of shame, fear of how others might react, the belief that they won’t be understood or uncertainty about what will change if people find out. Some hide the self-harm to protect loved ones from worry or distress, or because they are simply not ready to stop self-harming.
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Visible signs can include unexplained cuts, bruises, or burns, or choosing to cover up with long sleeves or pants even in warm weather. You might also notice them avoiding activities where their body would be visible, like swimming or getting changed around others.
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Emotional and behavioural changes often happen when someone is struggling. If a young person is self-harming, they might also be becoming more withdrawn, irritable or feeling overwhelmed more often. You might notice changes to sleep, appetite or mood, or a pulling back from things in their everyday life that they used to enjoy. They may speak about themselves in harsh or hopeless ways. These signs don’t always point to self-harm, but they do signal that a young person might be having some difficulties.
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Changes in how a young person connects with their family, community and culture can happen when young people are facing challenges in their lives. While changes like these do not necessarily mean self-harm is occurring, it’s helpful to check in with them if you notice them drawing away from important relationships, responsibilities, or routines, as they may need some support.
The signs of self-harm may be subtle. If you have concerns, opening up a conversation with curiosity, care and calm can help a young person to feel seen, safe, and supported.
What can help?
The role of family and community
There is no one ‘right’ way to support a young person who is self-harming. The needs of each young person will be different depending on their unique situation. Culture, community, language and identity matter, and shape how people understand and experience distress - and how they heal. If you are a trusted family member, friend, teacher, or Elder, you may be in a good position to support the young person and encourage them to seek help.
Remember, many young people who self-harm do so to cope. Be available and willing to listen without judgement, as talking to someone about the self-harming might be hard for the young person, especially at first.
Rather than focusing on why the young person is self-harming or trying to find a cause for their distress, simply recognise and validate the distress. This is the first step towards supporting them to get the kind of help they need. It’s important not to jump to conclusions about their reasons or pressure the person into explaining why they are self-harming if they aren’t sure or aren’t ready to share.
Try to keep the communication lines open. This includes not putting pressure on them to stop, as they might be less likely to come to you if it happens again. This might be to avoid further pressure, or for fear of letting you down. Focus on strengthening your relationship with the young person, and not just the self-harm.
“It is a huge step for someone to reach out regarding their self-harm. Although it is difficult to hear and talk about, remaining supportive and non-judgmental can be so helpful. There can be a lot of shame and confusing emotions linked to self-harming, so it is important to remain non-judgmental and not jump to conclusions. This can help create a safe space for the person to reach out again if they need to.” - family member
Practical tips for supporting a young person who is self-harming
First, check in with yourself. If you are worried the young person is, or might be, self-harming, how are you feeling about that? What do you need to do for yourself so you can stay calm, caring, and able to support them?
Other things you can do that can help:
Notice when your young person is relaxed and open to connecting, or when they may be looking to you for support. Be prepared to make yourself available at moments that suit them.
You might let them know you have noticed they seem to be going through a tough time, that you care, and that you are there for them. Don’t pressure them to open up if they are not ready.
Stay calm and listen. Prioritise your relationship with the young person over problem solving or looking for answers. Resist the urge you might have to spring too quickly into action to find ‘solutions’.
Show them you want to understand. Use their words to let them know you have heard, e.g., “I can see now that sometimes things feel really hard for you, and you might have felt like there is no one you can turn to for help with this”, or “It sounds like you feel very upset and lonely at times.”
It’s OK to ask the young person if you can check the wounds to see if they need medical attention. Stay matter of fact and non-judgmental (“That looks deep … we should look at getting a professional to help with it”). Support the young person to get the care they need. This may mean helping or guiding them to clean and manage their injuries, to recognise signs of infection that may need medical attention, or to get professional medical care.
If the young person has taken an overdose on medication or substances or is bleeding from a cut that is not stopping, call 000 for immediate help.
Support them to access the professional help they may need. If they are open to it, explore with them safer ways of looking after themselves. Depending on the young person, these might include doing something creative, doing something active, learning mindfulness, grounding techniques or breathing exercises, or connecting with people they trust.
Many young people draw strength from culture and shared values. Cultural practices, kinship networks, being on Country and community involvement can strengthen identity and resilience. Encourage them to draw on these supports alongside professional help.
Progress, no matter how small, is worth celebrating and reinforces the young person’s strength and resilience. At the same time, remind the young person that setbacks are part of life and to be expected and not a sign of failure.
If the person who is self-harming is a sibling or friend, you might not feel confident to manage this alone. Getting help from a supportive adult is important. Talk to the young person about the need to do this and work out which trusted adult to tell.
“Family can offer reassurance to the young person and let them know it’s OK to feel low, while at the same time encouraging healthier coping mechanisms. It could help to say something like: ‘It's okay to feel this way, it's not okay to be punishing yourself. Let’s find another way to handle this that doesn’t cause you harm. Once you have the skills to cope, we can tackle why you're feeling this way.’” - Young person
Ask directly about whether the young person has been having thoughts about suicide. While this can be challenging, it’s important to do this because many young people are unlikely to say so otherwise. For example, you could say: “Self-harm is often a way to cope with really difficult thoughts and feelings. Do you have thoughts sometimes about ending your life?”
If they say yes, try to keep your own emotions in check. Let the young person know it was brave of them to share this with you and talk with them about the need to seek professional help. Supporting the young person to see a GP or make an appointment at their local headspace centre is a good next step.
If you have immediate concerns, call your local area mental health triage line or help the young person to the closest Emergency Department.
What to avoid
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making assumptions or jumping to conclusions
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linking the young person’s difficulties to their actions, choices, preferences or identity
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making ultimatums or rules (e.g.,: “If you do this again, I will never trust you.” or “If you don’t stop, I will ...”)
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insisting on them showing their injuries (you can still check in with them about whether medical attention is needed)
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telling them to stop
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agreeing to keep secrets, or making promises you can’t keep
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minimising, or pretending it’s not happening
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constant tracking, or pressuring the young person to provide updates
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jumping to trying to ‘fix the problem’
You don’t have to have the answers. Being kind, caring and supportive goes a long way.
However, if you have concerns about the young person’s safety, call the local mental health triage line, 000, or support them to go to the emergency department of the local hospital.
For me, what helped most was having someone who could just sit with me, even in silence, and be understanding. That kind of non-judgement support made a big difference. Every person is different and so are their needs, but if you’re not taking care of yourself too, it can lead to burnout. Be gentle with yourself and the person you’re supporting.” – young person
Supporting yourself
It can come as a shock to family to learn a young person is self-harming. You might feel a mix of confusion, guilt, self-blame, anger or fear for their safety. For some, stigma towards self-harm can also lead to shame and fear of judgement from others in the community.
Supporting a young person who is harming themself can be stressful. You might be very focused on their needs, while juggling lots of other priorities at the same time. Remind yourself that by looking after yourself you are in a much better position to look after the young person.
Make time for activities you enjoy and people who help you feel comfortable and cared about. Connect with your cultural and faith practices, and with your community – these can provide a sense of belonging as well as practical support.
You might want to talk things over with someone you trust. At the same time, it’s important to understand and respect the young person’s wish for privacy. If there are no immediate safety concerns, talk to the young person about how you can get support for yourself without sharing their details with anyone who they don’t want you to tell. Hopefully you can agree on what you share and who you share it with. Seek professional support if you need it.
Taking care of your own wellbeing is vital. This includes seeking the rest, activities, nourishment and connection you need. It will help you stay present, calmer and able to think more clearly to better support your loved one.
“I’ve learned how important it is to take time for myself, even small things like going for a walk, getting some fresh air or going for a drive with the windows down can help me reset. I also reach out to people I trust to talk things through, whether that’s a friend or a mental health professional. It’s important to remind myself that I’m not responsible for carrying everything alone and that stepping back doesn’t mean I care any less.” - Family member
Siblings
It can be tough for siblings of a person who is self-harming.
If you are a sibling, and you are keeping information about the self-harming to yourself, talk to the person about the need to get a supportive adult on board. If possible, work out together which trusted adult to tell.
If you’re a parent, try not to overload your other children with the responsibility of watching out for the young person who is self-harming. Try not to let the self-harm dominate family life and avoid bringing it up too often. Stay connected to your other children, for example, by supporting them to maintain their usual routines, and enjoying activities together.
If your other children are impacted or playing a caring role, there are supports and services available for them (link).
Where to get further support
In an emergency contact: triple zero (000) for immediate help.
Or contact:
Lifeline: 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or suicidecallbackservice.org.au
Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 or beyondblue.org.au
Witnessing and sharing self-harm images online can be distressing, and exposure has been linked to further self-harming. If your young person has experienced online abuse, exploitation or other harms, visit the eSafety Commissioner website and/or the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation for information and support.
Other services
If you, your young person or anyone else in the family needs more support, visit eheadspace (online and phone support) or your nearest headspace centre.
13 Yarn for First Nations People: 13YARN website
Wellmob: wellmob.org.au
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 kidshelpline.com.au
ReachOut: reachout.com
SANE Australia: 1800 187 263 sane.org
Embrace Multicultural Mental Health: embracementalhealth.org.au
Translating and Interpreting Service (TIS National): tisnational.gov.au
Find a Parent helpline in your state for free telephone counselling.
Gearing RE, Lizardi D. (2009) Religion and suicide. Journal of Religion and Health 48: 332–341. [DOI] [PubMed] [Google Scholar]
The headspace Content Reference Group oversee and approve clinical resources made available on this website. Last reviewed 14/04/2026
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