supporting your young person through parental separation

This article focuses on separation and divorce due to relationship breakdown between the parents or primary carers of young people. It might also offer some tips for families separated for other reasons (moving to another region or country, war, natural disasters, family violence or abuse in the family).

Families are diverse and can include Elders, kin, mentors and other community members as well as parents, caregivers, siblings and partners. Young people might be affected by the separation of caring figures who are not their biological parents.

What can affect a young person’s experience of parental separation?

The young person’s age and stage of development

Adolescence is a time of physical and emotional change, and for learning about the world around us and finding our place in it. When big changes are happening in the family at this time, it can feel like a lot to manage for a young person. They might feel guilty about looking ‘outward’ and focusing on their own lives when family members are going through a difficult time.

The younger the person, the more likely they are to depend on their parents and carers in day-to-day life. Their routines, activities, habits and social life might be affected when their parents move apart. Older children might be more independent, making it easier for them to keep to their routines and stay connected with friends and activities. They might feel a big responsibility to look out for younger siblings or even one or both parents, and parents might be more inclined ‘lean’ on these young adults for their own support.

Connection to friends, family, school, workplace and community

Whatever the age of your young person, their relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, community and friends are important to their wellbeing. Their experience of the separation can be affected by whether or not they can stay connected to their school or place of study, work, sporting clubs and the activities they enjoy.

What else is happening in their lives

Conflict between separated or divorced parents, moving house or not having a house to move to at all, financial difficulties, health issues and losing a job can all place extra stress on young people and their families already adjusting to parental separation. Stepparents and stepsiblings joining the family can bring both benefits and new challenges.

Identity and culture

Dealing with separation can be more challenging for young people when they face prejudice and discrimination in their day-to-day life.

What can be difficult for young people when parents break up?

No matter how well supported a young person is, parental separation is likely to be a big change in their life. Young people can have a range of strong feelings about it. They might feel relieved, uncertain, afraid, embarrassed or ashamed. They might be angry, blaming, sad or hopeful that their parents will get back together. Some young people feel guilty about the separation. They might believe it is their fault their parents are arguing or unhappy together. Some can feel pressured to ‘take sides’ with one parent.

A young person might also worry about how other people in the family (e.g., one or both parents, or siblings) will cope. Their role in the family might change, for example, to look after younger siblings. It is likely that daily routines will be disrupted, and they might be afraid of being cut off from the people, places and activities that are important to them.

What you can do as a separating or divorced parent

If you are a parent going through separation or divorce, you are not alone. There were around 56,000 divorces in Australia in 2021, and many of these couples have children aged 12-25. Some separations occur with little or no conflict, while others involve high levels of conflict and/or abuse or family violence. Some need to be heard in the Family Court, Criminal Court or both. Court processes can take a long time and there can be legal requirements to maintain silence about criminal matters, making it harder to get much needed support. See below for support with family violence and family law issues.

If you are a separating or divorcing parent, here are some ideas for what you can do to help your young person.

Let your young person know you love them. Reassure them that the separation is not their fault. Even if you feel the other parent has behaved badly, respect that your young person might still feel love for them. Understand that your young person might be angry or blame you for what they are going through. Although this can feel unfair, try not to take it to heart. Don’t over-react or try to justify yourself. Be patient with your young person as they adjust. You will be adjusting too, and are likely to have your strong feelings at this time, such as anger, relief, sadness, worry or fear. Look for your own supports rather than relying on your young person for emotional support.

Take responsibility for making changes to meet your young person’s needs. This lets your young person know you have heard their concerns and are prepared to do what you can to help. Explore with your young person what ‘home’ means to them and how you might create this environment together. It is usually more about belonging and feeling comfortable than the physical house or apartment itself.

For Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander young people, develop a cultural parenting plan to support their ongoing cultural connection and guidance.

Encourage the young person’s friendships and activities. Wherever possible, keep consistent routines. Where you can, involve your young person in the day-to-day decisions that affect their life. This can give them a sense of some control. Finally, find ways for you and your young person to do fun things together and with other family and community!