dealing with grief and loss

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It’s normal to feel sadness and grief after you experience loss.

Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important in your life. Everyone’s experience of grief is unique, influenced by things like culture, gender, age, previous losses, and personal beliefs. So try not to compare your grieving process to others or worry too much about how you grieve – everyone's journey through grief is different.

 

Download our fact sheet on understanding grief and loss

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What is grief?

Grief is a normal response to experiencing a loss. There are many types and causes of loss like:

  • loss of a loved one
  • loss of a relationship through break-up
  • family going through separation
  • death of a pet
  • loss of social standing
  • loss of Country and culture
  • family separation due to migration
  • loss of family, home and community due to refugee or asylum-seeking journeys through trauma
  • lack of safety or stability 
  • loss of land or land degradation
  • loss of a precious possession
  • losing a job
  • moving to another place or changing schools
  • loss of hopes, dreams or sense of identity

How can if affect us? 

Grief affects everyone differently and it can impact many parts of our lives. These are some things you might notice: 

Changes to feelings

You might feel some or all of these things: 

  • shock 
  • disbelief 
  • pain 
  • intense sadness 
  • longing 
  • anger 
  • resentment 
  • regret
  • guilt (about the past, or about being happy in the future) 
  • abandonment 
  • anxiety 
  • worry
  • shame


The combination of any of these feelings can feel really tough. Other times you might only feel one of these emotions, or a numbness that doesn’t feel like anything at all. Sometimes these intense bursts of emotions can last for a long time, other times they can come and go quickly. Remember this is all a natural response to loss.


Changes to thoughts

When a big change happens in your life it’s hard not to think about it all the time. We also might find that concentrating can be hard, or that our mind wanders and we have trouble focusing.  

Some people find it hard to care as much about the things they normally care about. It can feel like nothing matters compared to the loss. Some people might think that the world doesn’t make sense anymore and they can’t figure out their place in it.

Everyone’s experience is different, and they are all normal responses to grieving.


Changes in your body

Our mind and body are connected, so it makes sense that grief can have a big impact on our bodies. It’s common to experience:

  • headaches
  • stomach aches
  • body aches
  • weight changes
  • changes to your sleep
  • changes to eating habits
  • colds
  • tiredness
  • just generally feeling sick and run down.


Changes in what you do

We can also experience changes in what we do. Some people don’t feel like doing much. They can have trouble finding the energy to keep up with day-to-day life. They might not want to see their family and friends, or withdraw from doing things they enjoyed. This could include not wanting to attend community events or gatherings.

Other people find that keeping busy helps them get through the day. They might get into work, or study, hobbies, or even taking up new activities. Everyone reacts differently and these are all normal responses.

 
Sometimes grief effects whole communities. In First Nations and many other cultures, grief is experienced collectively, and can accumulate over generations. Coming together to grieve is an important part of the healing process.   


How long will this go on for?

It’s hard to know how long grief will affect you because everyone’s experience is different. However, it’s important to know that eventually, things will get easier.

It might be helpful to think of grief like the ocean. Sometimes the power of the ocean is so strong you can feel like you have no control. Other times it feels manageable. Grief can come in huge waves, smaller waves or sideways waves.  Sometimes you might not see it coming, and other times there are gaps where you can find your footing.

Although you might feel overwhelmed sometimes, there are plenty of things you can do to support yourself and places you can go to for help.

What else should I look out for?

When you’re experiencing grief, you might have trouble maintaining relationships and feeling connected to others. You might not be as patient when you’re grieving, or get in conflict with people more often. This can be hard, because staying connected to others can be a really important part of being supported while we grieve.

Grief isn’t depression. But it’s important to know that grief can leave you vulnerable to becoming depressed in the future. If you’re not sure, it can be helpful to reach out for support.

Alcohol and other drugs

During tough times, some people can turn to alcohol or other drugs to try and help with the pain. But this can create other issues.

  • Using alcohol or other drugs can sometimes make difficult feelings more painful.

  • You might be more likely to say or do things you’ll regret.

  • It might make things easier to deal with at the time, but can make it much harder afterwards.

  • It can impact on our mental and physical health. 

  • It can lead to alcohol or other drug dependence or addiction.


Check out our tips on reducing alcohol and other drug use.

What are the stages of grief? 

You might have heard of the stages of grief. It’s a guide that was designed to help capture the complex emotions of grieving. The stages outlined—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were thought to provide a general outline for what some people experience when they’re grieving.  
 
However, there is no standard process for grieving.  It’s a deeply personal experience, and not everyone will go through these stages or go through them in the same order. Grief and the way we express it, varies widely from person to person and culture to culture, and within cultures. 

What can I do to help with my grief?

Grief, and everything that can come with it, can be intense. If you’ve experienced loss there are things you can do.

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Healthy Habits 

Looking after our mental health and wellbeing helps us cope better during the tough times. Things like: 

  • staying active
  • locking in good sleeping habits
  • eating well and drinking enough water 
  • cutting back on alcohol and other drugs
  • practising other self-care skills like relaxation exercises, getting into nature or artwork. 


Some people might find it helpful to take some time to process bad news and sorry business, engaging in any spiritual or cultural practices that are important to them.  You can also check out our resources on social and emotional wellbeing for First Nations peoples here.   

 

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Get into life

A lot of the time you might not feel like it, but getting out of the house can be one of the best ways to help your mental health. Remember what you used to do that was fun or meaningful and try it again.  

Find something that works for you like, playing or listening to music, walking, hanging out with friends, watching movies, playing sports or reading. Read more about getting into life.

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Remember them

If you have experienced loss of a loved one, it can be helpful to remember the good times or the impact they had on you. It’s good to do this with family and friends. If you’re feeling up to it, it can be really valuable to find a way to celebrate their life and say goodbye. 

You could:

  • write a letter
  • share stories with your mob, family or friends
  • create an artwork
  • contribute to the funeral 
  • make a playlist or a memorial of some sort

 

Some people also find it helpful to plan a memorial with close family or friends on the anniversary of an important day – like a birthday – that may remind them of their loved one. 

 


Take it easy on yourself 

Being kind to yourself is a good idea at all times, but even more so when you’re having a tough time. Accept that grief hurts, it’s hard and it takes time to heal. Feeling confused, overwhelmed, angry (or anything else) and having a good cry is OK. Some people find it helpful to set aside 15 minutes or so every day to do this and nothing else. If you’re not sure how to be kind to yourself, just imagine what a friend would say to you. 

 

How can I get help?

Though it can be hard reaching out to others to let them know what you’re going through, it can help you feel supported, less isolated and it can be the beginning of a valuable support network. Whether you’re speaking to a trusted friend, family member, teacher, Elder or a counsellor, it’s entirely up to you what you feel comfortable sharing. You might just want to say you’re having a tough time. 

If you’re finding it hard to cope and/or your social, work or school life are being affected, then it’s a good idea to ask for professional support. 

If you ever feel unable to cope because of intense emotions of if you have thoughts of harming yourself, then ask for help immediately.

For immediate help contact triple zero (000) if it is an emergency   

National 24/7 crisis services: 

 

Additional support services:   


Other useful websites and online apps:

 

For more information, find your nearest headspace centre or for online and telephone support, visit eheadspace

 

 

The headspace Content Reference Group oversee and approve clinical resources made available on this website. 

Last reviewed: May 2024

 

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