Grab a coffee. Start a conversation.

“How are you?”

It’s probably one of the questions we ask most often. And just as often, the answer is: “Good.”, “Fine.” “Busy.”, and then we move on. But sometimes, “How are you?” can be more than a greeting. It can be an invitation and a chance for someone to tell you what’s really going on.

You don't need to be a counsellor, have the right words or know exactly what to say. Sometimes, you just need to notice, ask and be willing to listen.

And what better place to do that than over a coffee?

Start by making some space

Before you ask someone how they're doing, check in with yourself. Are you calm? Do you have time to actually listen? Are you prepared for an answer that might be different from “good”?
A meaningful conversation doesn't have to happen sitting across a table with a serious expression. Sometimes it can be easier when you're doing something else together like walking, driving, sitting side-by-side, or grabbing a coffee.

But the setting does play a role, think about whether you have enough time, privacy and space to talk without feeling rushed, overheard or interrupted. A quiet corner of a café might work for one person, while a walk, a drive or a familiar spot at home might feel more comfortable for someone else.

The goal isn't to find the perfect place. It's to create a space where both of you can feel comfortable enough to talk - and where there's room to listen if the conversation becomes more personal than you expected.

Notice when something feels different

You don't need to know what's wrong to notice that something has changed with the person you’re talking to. Maybe a friend hasn't seemed themselves lately. A colleague seems overwhelmed. Your teenager has become quieter. Someone who usually loves getting out hasn't wanted to leave the house. These things don't necessarily mean someone is experiencing a mental health problem. But they can be a reason to check in.

Try starting with what you've noticed rather than making assumptions:

“I've noticed you haven't seemed quite yourself lately. How are things going?”

Or keep it simple:

“How have you really been?”

There isn't one perfect way to start. The important thing is that you're opening the door.

You’ve asked, now its time to listen.

This is often the hardest part. When someone tells us they're struggling, our instinct can be to fix it. We offer advice, solutions and suggestions because we want to make things better. But sometimes people don't need us to fix anything, they just need us to listen

Take what they're saying seriously. Don't judge. Let there be a little silence. You might reflect back what you've heard or simply say: “That sounds really hard.” “I'm glad you told me.”

The goal isn't to have the perfect response. It's to help the other person feel that they don't have to carry everything by themselves.

You and me, not you versus the problem

Sometimes a conversation reveals that someone needs more support than a friend, colleague or family member can provide. That's okay, it’s important to remember that you don't have to become their therapist. Your role as a friend can be to help them find someone who can help them.

You might offer to look at options together, help make an appointment, find a service, or simply go with them. And if they're not ready, you can let them know that you're still there.

Support doesn't always happen in one conversation. Sometimes it's continuing to check in and reminding someone that they're not alone. That is why we encourage having these conversations regularly, this helps make you and them feel more comfortable having a conversation and safe about mental health, but remember to only ask if you have the space, time, and capacity for a conversation.

And remember to look after yourself too. Supporting someone through a difficult time can affect you, and it's okay to seek support for yourself.