grief and loss – supporting a young person

What to expect

It’s useful to think of grief as a process, rather than a one-off event. For some people, grief can affect almost every part of life and make the smallest task feel daunting. Others adjust to the loss quite quickly. While everyone will experience grief in their own way, here are some common effects of grief on young people.

Feeling

Grief can include a mix of shock and disbelief, confusion, pain, numbness, deep sadness or longing, guilt (about the past, or about being happy in the present and future), anger, resentment, feeling abandoned, worrying about the future, helplessness and relief.

The young person you’re supporting might have strong and unpredictable emotions that can be confusing for them and hard for them to name or explain. They might show these openly, or keep their feelings to themselves and seem unaffected. The young person might want lots of attention, might want to be left alone, or both of these at different times.

Thinking

Young people grieving might have trouble concentrating, staying focused on tasks and remembering things. They might seem distracted, or more distant than usual. Some ask lots of questions about death. Loss can make them question their values or rethink what really matters in life. They might start wondering whether it’s worth putting time and energy into things when they can be lost in an instant. Sudden or unexpected loss can shake their assumptions about how the world ‘should’ work in a safe, predictable and fair way.

Body changes

Grief can affect the immune system, making people tired, ‘run down’ and more prone to colds and flu. Headaches, nausea, and muscle aches and pains can be part of grief, as well as changes in weight or in eating and sleeping patterns.

Doing

The young person you’re supporting might seem agitated, irritable and/or teary, or act in unpredictable ways. They might seek physical closeness with family and friends, or feel the need to check in on them regularly to make sure they are OK.

Some young people want to talk about their loss with family while others will turn to friends for support, both in-person and online. Some withdraw, spending more time alone or avoiding certain people or places, such as family or community events, school or work.

Some young people will turn to their spiritual or religious beliefs for guidance or understanding. Some will express their grief through creative activities such as art, music or writing. Some turn to alcohol or other drugs to try to cope with their grief, and some get involved in activities or behaviours that cause trouble, upset their relationships or break rules or laws. If these behaviours are a part of their response to loss, support should involve helping them heal the pain of their grief.

How to support a young person who is grieving

Invite the young person to talk with you about their loss and make time to listen if and when they are ready. Respect their choice if they are not ready. Let them lead the conversation and try to understand their experience. Be ready for them to express strong emotions. Avoid minimising their loss or suggesting they “get over it”. Try to be open and honest in your answers to the questions they ask; young people, just like everyone else, need accurate information so they can make sense of what has happened. If you don’t know what to say in response, it’s OK to tell them this.

If the loss has affected you too, let them know it’s normal for people to grieve in different ways. Share information about grief and how they can look after themselves. It can be challenging for everyone when the loss is shared, such as when a family member or member of a friendship group dies. Some people might feel they have to ‘be strong’ and not show their feelings because they don’t want to make others feel worse. Professional support, whether individually or together as a family or community, can help in this situation.

Loss can make us feel as if things are out of control. A far as possible, keeping to usual routines and spending time with friends, family and community can help young people hold on to a sense of control, security and hope for the future.

Staying connected to the people, places and activities that make a young people feel good also supports a sense of belonging. This is the essence of the ‘Social & Emotional Wellbeing’ model of health in First Nations culture. For First Nations young people, this might mean connecting with cultural practice, Country, family and kinship networks. This approach to wellbeing is also helpful for non-Indigenous young people. It is about gently connecting young people with supportive family, places and activities that help them feel a sense of belonging to their family, identity, and - if applicable - spirituality.