Alysha, 18 VIC

All I ever wanted was to be liked and loved by everyone.
 
I think I made myself believe that if I did everything that everyone asked of me then there would never be any issue and no one would ever be angry or mean to me.
 
Primary school was when the bullying began, I cant even remember most of what was said or done to me because I've made myself forget, but I know it made me sad and angry for years following. I would take my anger out on my parents, I would fly off the handle at any moment over the tinest thing, because I felt comfortable releasing my anger at them. They weren't going to say nasty things back.

High school came as a shock. No more bullying? Well at least a lot less then what I'd experienced at primary school, but still the sadness remained. I tried hard to make myself fit in with the people who I thought I should be friends with. I did anything they asked of me and began to drink, smoke and have sex at a really early age.

I let boys have me easily because I felt good from the attention, it made me feel wanted. Though really they only wanted one thing and that's what I gave them. Then it all began to turn sour, lies began surfacing and people found out the things I'd said weren't all real. It was a cover up to make myself seem more then what I was, but they didnt understand. They just said I was a liar and that was it, no more parties, no more smoking and drinking and no more friends.

I needed something to take the pain away, I began to cut myself and take huge amount of perscription medication to knock myself out. The cutting hurt, but not as much as the emotional pain. Everything was done in secret and at night so my parents wouldn't hear, but then I began to get desperate and started being deliberatly loud hoping I would get caught. I needed help and I didnt want to feel alone anymore.

Finally in the heat of one of our many arguments, I showed my mum the cuts and told her of my thoughts of suicide and about the pills. I told her everything and we cried together.

It all made sense to her now too. Over the course of the next 4mths it was a hard road, but we finally found someone to help me and he did. He gave me a new perspective on my views of life and helped me through some very tough times. There was a difference starting to show and slowly the cutting began to cease, followed by the pill taking.

Today I still struggle with issues of self esteem and self worth, but I have my fiance' and family by my side to help me through it all.